this mess we’re in..
i’m in new york..
no need for words now.
the school is over and i already went back to work…
i have been going through articles about habermas - foucault debate for the last couple hours, and my brain is somewhat fried. so i decided to take a break in the form of tumblr and lee min ho myself on the way..
How long are you going to hide from people?
How long are you going to stay alone?
Idk man, as long as there are enough kdramas going around, I am perfectly fine hiding.. Plus, I can keep writing the story of the #asianguy
Coming up next..
I spent the weekend in Washington DC with my friend M. Now I am going to Philly to visit D. I plan to stay two nights before coming back to NY.
Spending time outside of Amherst, seeing friends I havent seen in a long while, eating and drinking without having to worry about deadlines… I really missed these things. This past week was a vacation long necessary, deserved and overdue.
I am also realizing how isolated I am in Amherst. It is not just I dont like living there, but I feel out of place, disoriented, misplaced. My past and my heart belong somewhere else and it feels as if on a given day, I am just wasting time there..
Life is too short and too valuable to feel this way.
My decisions are made.
Leaving..
Finally the semester is over.. Finally. It is over. I am still dealing with inquiries from undergrads about why they got the grade they did, but other than that everything is over. I submitted my papers, sublet my room, did cleaning, packed my bags and left Amherst.
Sometimes leaving this small Massachusetts town in every opportunity I get makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am not establishing myself, but living there only temporarily.. House, friends, school, car, lifestyle - they all feel temporary, dislocated, pointless to get attached to or care about. And, once the school is over there really isnt much going on for me there anyway. As an international - other than the school - it’s pretty hard for me to get a ‘legal’ job. Plus, I dont like small towns, and more importantly, people I know and care about are not in there. So when I put everything together, leaving makes the most sense. Yet leaving means not settling down, not establishing roots, not getting used to the life there. Art the end, it feels like a never ending and self-feeding cycle of isolation and rootlessness..
I have been telling myself that perhaps I can break the cycle and have a life there. But the more time passes, harder it seems. Yet leaving permanently doesnt look like an option for now either. So what do I do? Do I just learn to get used to living in this limbo?
